Channel Mum Chat

Difficult husband

When my baby was born, my husband found it really difficult to look after him. DS had reflux and CMPA. He was very difficult to feed and would only take his bottle from me. My husband struggled to change a nappy and wouldn’t want to do any. For an easy life, I done everything with our baby. He found it ‘too hard’. My husband would do a lot of the house stuff. We have a cleaner and I managed the bills, food and everything like that on top of the baby. Husband has been working from home mainly due to the pandemic since we had DS (2 weeks before the 1st lockdown). He really hasn’t had much involvement in the baby.

Whenever DS would cry (which was pretty constant) he would come out of his office and ask what I’ve done or what’s up with him. He 100% did not bond with this child for a long long time. Until fairly recently. But would put him down all the time.

I went back to work part time about 5 weeks ago. When I’m working I’m out the house from 5:45 till 22:00. So my husband has no choice but to manage. DS goes to relatives for the day as husband has to work. But this weekend I was on a night shift, I looked after him in the morning, husband took him out for the day which was his choice. I was going to take him to the baby shower I went to. Then I gave DS dinner and went to work. DS isn’t used to husband putting him to bed so doesn’t go down very easily at all with him. But they both have to get over it. During the night, whilst I’m working, I’m getting phone calls of he can’t manage. He doesn’t know what to do! ‘Why is he doing this to me?’ All I want to say is ‘well if you’d helped before he would be used to you at night’ last night was husbands 1st night of having to deal with the baby during the night. Whenever the baby has got up during the night before my husband yells and throws things. So I have always done it for an easy life.

So I’m rambling.

The thing that I feel has tipped me over the edge, DS was playing. He runs around constantly. He fell over and cried. He had bitten his lip and had the tiniest amount of blood. Barely visible. He was fine and stopped crying after about 3 seconds. My husband came and said what’s up? I told him. He said ‘where were you?’ I said I was sitting watching him. I don’t follow him constantly. Then James went on the slide we have in the lounge. He goes down the slide constantly time after time. This time he banged his head on the way down. He was fine. Didn’t even cry. Husband ‘what did you let him do that for? He never goes that way with me! He always goes head 1st so he doesn’t bump his head!’ I wanted to scream at him. He always sits on the slide and goes down it on his bum too. It’s not my fault! I feel like he blames me for literally everything. If he cries at bed time my husband will say ‘I knew he wasn’t ready for bed!’ Or something like ‘why did you put him down at this time?’ Like I just don’t think about things. I’ve had enough. I’m trying my best as a parent but it’s clearly not good enough.

I’m a children’s nurse so I know he is going to bump his head and stuff on occasion. But to be made to feel this way I think is really unfair.

Also his mornings to get up are only the mornings I’m working. Plus 1 other. The other days he gets up at 8. So I get up at 6 or earlier 6 days a week. Him 2-3 days a week.

Sorry for the mega long post. I don’t know what I’m asking really. But I guess how do I get him to be nice to me?

It feels like one of the main issues is that your husband has not been very involved with the baby from the beginning. Now that you started working again & he finds himself having to take care of him more often - he stuggles, doesn’t quite know how to do some things and lacks confidence as a father.
I think it’s also likely that he’s not been taking care of him for long enough to realise that there are going to be some accidents and that it is normal. You can’t prevent them all & you can’t be with your son 100% of the time. It seems like your husband is quite critical of your parenting, this is unfair. I also sense some resentment coming from you towards your husband eg. “All I want to say is ‘well if you’d helped before he would be used to you at night”. I understand where this is coming from but it is also not helpful…

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband and try to get on the same page & work through some of the issues you are having.

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I absolutely agree with @anonymous3729 you ask how you can get your husband to be nice to you but I honestly think he needs to learn how to respect you too.

Can you sit down and talk to him about this? Away from the children. He might not realise that he is being so critical of you but ultimately what he is doing could be considered bullying and you should not have to put up with it.

Do you have a good relationship usually? What is his temperament under normal circumstances?