Channel Mum Chat

Help! Feeling lost and lonely

Hi,

I have an almost 6month old and a 3 year old. I’ve been on anti depressants on and off for a good few years and have recently started taking them again (February). Things haven’t been getting better, and I’m really struggling now. I have a really supportive doctor but I worry so much about bothering her. She keeps telling me to phone if I need to speak to her between appointments (which are 2 weeks apart) and I’m really finding it tough to wait that long. She tried to make me an appointment this week but I said I’d wait the 2 weeks (long story short my parents were visiting this week and they don’t know what’s going on so I didn’t want to have to lie to them about going to the drs).
I’m worrying that if I don’t phone tomorrow I’ll have yet another difficult weekend (last weekend was really tough), or if I do phone but she doesn’t have time to phone me back it will have a negative impact on me, or she phones but it doesn’t help.
I really don’t know what to do. I could really do with chatting with her, even just for a few minutes (she always knows what to say to give me a little boost) but I really don’t want to take up her valuable time.

It might be useful if I give an idea of what’s going on in my head, maybe someone might be able to convince me either way what I should do.

I’m surviving. My boys are well looked after, they are happy and healthy (although the youngest has silent reflux!) my relationship isn’t in a great place (the boys’ dad) and I live in a different country to my family so I don’t really have much in the way of support at the moment. My brain can’t switch off, I’m getting no down time. I feel really alone, I’m struggling to lose weight, I’m worrying about lots of little things. I’m not suicidal. But, I do think about dying, I think about harming myself. I wont do anything but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it. I couldn’t do anything that could leave my boys without their mum, I love them too much to put them through that. I haven’t told my dr this stuff yet because I’m worried about what she would have to do if I did.

I’m sorry this has become such a long post. But if anyone is out there and able to give me a bit of advice on what to do I’d really appreciate it!

Thanks

Sending you a hug.

I really think you need to be frank with your doctor and let them know exactly how you feel, so that they can support you properly. They can only help you with things they are aware of, so if you are in a dark place, then you need to get the appropriate help.

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Thanks for responding. I will tell her. It’s just that my next appointment isn’t until the end of next week. It just seems so far away

Hi @cmo

Welcome to Channelmum and that you for sharing how you feel I am pleased you have found us but sad to hear how you are feeling.

My name is Maggie and I am the Channelmum HV, @april-o has suggested you speak to your GP about how you really feel so you can get the help and support you need which I agree with. I also suggest you reach out to your HV as we are there to support mums who feel as you do. You are not alone other mums feel as you do and some suffer from intrusive thoughts you may be what you are also be struggling with. There is lots of help available but only if your GP and HV how your REALLY feel. No one is going to judge you or think you are not a good mum if you have thoughts of harming yourself. Many mums suffer from this and it is a sign you need extra help and support.

You sound like a lovely caring mum and it is hard being far away from your family. Your GP sounds great and if you want to ring her do and try not to overthink this. You are valuable and your GP is responsible for managing her own time and it is not for you to have to worry about. That is what we are all there for to provide a service, it is part of our job.

Have you been able to talk honestly to your husband about how you feel? If one partner is feeling low or anxious it can impact both on each other and your relationship. Talking honestly and calmly about how you feeling may help him to understand and be more supportive of you. How do your think his mental health is?

We have a useful anxiety course and toolkit that you may find helpful but this is not a substitute for professional help.

Coping with a 6 month old with silent reflux and a 3 year old is tough. Have a look at the website below on coping with reflux

http://www.livingwithreflux.org/treatments-for-gor-gord/

I do hope you manage to get hold of your GP and your weekend is ok.

Do keep chatting to us we are here to listen and support. You can recover from this and live your life again rather than just survive.

Maggie xx

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Thank you for replying. I definitely will tell my dr. I have a great relationship with her; It’s taken me 2 years to build up this relationship (she’s helped me through a really tough patch before). She’s suggested talking therapy (which I did last time) but i don’t want to go down that path just yet, I find it really hard to talk about my thoughts and feelings and having to build up that trust with a new therapist just doesn’t sit well with me. She’s also suggested a different anti depressant that I can take along side the one I’m on but I’ve read up on it and it says I will gain weight. I’m already 15stone (the heaviest I’ve ever been) and really struggling to lose anything.
I have a face to face appointment with her on Thursday (the telephone appointments were making me really anxious) but it seems so far away. My HV only works Wednesday and Thursdays. I’ve only ever met her once (when my 3yr old was 11months) although I’ve spoken to her on the phone a few times.

My partner doesn’t know anything. I think he’s struggling with his mental health too but he won’t tell me anything. I’ve been thinking about leaving him because I’m miserable at home with him at the moment, but that’s such a tough decision to make with 2 small children.

I tried calling my gp earlier but I hung by up before I actually spoke to anyone.