Channel Mum Chat

Partner called me “fucking useless”

I feel really confused (and also angry)

I’m at home pretty much all the time at the moment with our 1 year old, he’s very high energy and I don’t get much of a break.

This morning for about the 3rd awakening that night after trying to encourage him to go to back to sleep at 5am unsuccessfully I lay in bed half sleeping with the small one between me and my partner. He starts getting grumpy because he’s tired but won’t go back to sleep and starts crying. I’m so tired I just lay in bed trying to cuddle him. My partner grumpily gets out of bed say I’m fucking useless and am I just going to lay there??

Now I’m not being funny but I’m the one that gets up in the night, and Maybe very occasionally he does. It seems quite an unfair and mean thing to say? But I dare say when he wakes up he will be the picture of remorse later begging me to forgive.

He is for the most part an extremely supportive, loving sensitive partner.

But sometimes he has these terrible rage moments (not that often) where he gets very angry and usually at me. For instance the other night when our son was poorly in the night and was crying extremely loudly and non stop for quite a while and I couldn’t hear what my partner was saying he got so angry he grabbed my neck. (To which I firmly said my peace on how I felt about that) and he had instantly regretted it, begged for forgiveness and spent the rest of the day making it up to me.

I get that he’s got his troubles and finds it difficult/ frustrating as do I and I’m no saint I get grumpy but I absolutely draw a line at name calling and physical violence. But I don’t know how to deal with this? I can’t speak to my family or friends because they would be horrified. I’m getting a bit worn down by the mean behavior and would rather my partner did nice romantic things because he loved me rather than because he feels so guilty about something he’s done. What would you do?

Your partner clearly has anger issues and should seek psychological help for this.

What you have described is abuse and it is not safe living with him - both for you and the baby. Although it seems right now that he’s aiming his anger at you, the source of the anger is the little one. What if one day he will take his anger out at the source - it doesn’t seem like he has control when he gets angry. Children are not easy (I have a 1.5 year old son) and there are lots of ups & downs. There are sleep regressions, teething, ilnesses, tantrums etc. What I’m saying is there will be many occasions for your partner to get angry with the baby.

The fact that your partner grabbed your neck like this is very worrying. I think it’s best that you tell your family, perhaps you could go live with some family members until your partner gets the help he needs and is no longer a risk to you and the baby.

I hear what you are saying, and suppose it’s why I’m questioning it/ reaching out. It is confusing because the remorse he feels after is so bad I feel really sorry for him. I feel bad even posting this because he is incredibly supportive and helpful. I honestly don’t think He’d hurt our son, I realize how it looks from what I’m writing but our son means the world to him and he’s an incredible dad, I know it’s easy to say but I would never risk anything like that if I thought there was the slightest possibility ( I grew up with a step dad who was abusive) and I take it extremely seriously. But I take your point that getting him to reach out definitely needs to happen!

Hi @anonymous6038

My name is Maggie and I am the Channelmum HV. Thank you for being brave and honest enough to share what is happening to you here - it sounds a very worrying and possibly a very dangerous situation for you and your children to be in. Living with a man who has difficulty managing his anger and react in a verbally or physically abusive way is not acceptable - no matter how sorry he is afterwards.

He is a role model for you children - children copy what they see it is called social learning - children need adults around them who can manage their anger in healthy appropriate ways without lasting out at others. Raw adult anger is very frightening for children and it is not healthy for children to grow up in an atmosphere of tension or fear.

@OLA is suggesting that his anger is taken out on you when really it is was aimed at the child or the baby. Verbal and physical aggression can often escalate in relationships and affect children and may spill over onto them.

Help is a available there are programmes like the Freedom Programme below. The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK an dis run online too

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The Hampton Trust

For baby’s Sake is another course for helping with domestic abuse. From Spring 2021, For Baby’s Sake CONNECT will work with families using video and audio calls, as an innovative way to extend delivery of our programme to places without a dedicated local area team

.

Please can you speak to your HV and GP who can help and support you with this and connect you with local programmes top help your partner manage his anger safely?

If he refuses to acknowledge and engage then you may have a serious problem. Men who behave like this need help and it is important to work with him using a strength based approach building on his supportive, loving sensitive side.

Women’s Aid are fantastic and they have a helpline you can call too. The link below gives a little bit of information and has a quiz to help you assess whether you are living in an abusive relationship, it might be good to start there. Abuse can take many different forms.

There Survivors Handbook is really useful to look at

Above all keep yourself and your children safe. Do you feel scared of him?

Can you let me know when you have contacted your HV or GP please?

Take care
Maggie xx

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Yes please take the HV advice. If you have a history of DV in your childhood it’s sometimes easier to make excuses for those types of ppl. Keep your boundaries firm and take the help offered. Here’s my way of explaining it …

What your about to do or have hopefully already done is help keep your self and baby safe and strong. Think of your self as a Queen goddess all powerful and strong. You do not take or allow negativity in your home kingdom. If he cannot be a king then he needs to leave the throne.

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Hi @anonymous6038

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on. It’s a lot to process and think about. The replies you got may have confirmed your worst fears and I understand you need to time to reflect on things.

Can you let us know how you are are and your thoughts on the replies you have had? Have you been able to reach out to your HV or GP yet?

Maggie x

Big yikes… At first I thought okay yeah this sounds like your average dude rage, my partner says worse at times especially if tired and apologises at some point when he’s feeling better or gets his head out of his *rse. But then you mentioned the grabbing of the neck… The way you word it all and how he is remorseful afterwards is seriously concerning. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship this is screaming to me so hard. I feel this will only get worse and the fact you already are in the habit of saying “but he is a pile of sorrys afterwards” is just sending alarm bells to me that he’s already begun the cycle.
Please do not normalise this behaviour EVER.
I’m assuming you’ve communicated with him, what I would suggest is contacting a professional on both of your behalf, having a professional involved and aware of his behaviour will protect, support and guide you no matter what process you’re going through and will encourage him to seek help.
There’s no denying he needs to improve his anger issues and be self aware not only after but during those episodes… Its questionable from an outside view whether he is truly remorseful or if he is apologising merely to try keep you out of panic you will leave.
Contact refuge or your gp and explain the situation and ask for support please.
I feel if it is left I will only get worse and that anger towards your child or infront of your child will impact them too. At least with the professionals talking openly with both of you you will know if he is attending appointments, improving etc. I feel just you telling him alone will only hold so strong for so long until he tests those boundaries too and there is no guarantee when he is attending anger management that he is actually attending.

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HI @anonymous6038

I am happy to contact your HV on your behalf if this helps. I would need your name, address, GP and DOB of your children and their names which you can send to the anon@channelmum.com address. However this offer is only available to Thursday as this is my last day working for ChannelMum and there will not be a HV on the forum.

I hope you are ok and are reading those messages and considering taking action to protect and help yourself,

Maggie